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PROBLEMS

 

Dearest Aunt Sarz,

I am a beginner and am really worried that my magical tools aren't up to scratch. I don't think I can raise much power when I am only using a twig and a butter knife? But I don't want to spend a lot when I'm not sure that I will stick at it. What do you think?

Yours askingly

Nina Ewbie

 

Dear Mina,

I am asked this question all the time by those new to the Craft. In fact I was only saying to my dear friend Julian the other evening, when we were enjoying a small absinthe in the select bar of 'The Shogoth And Firkin' that, whilst a coffee mug would suffice as a chalice one would always prefer a five hundred year old skull looted from a Tibetan temple by an attractive Neophyte, clad only in a Tau robe; dark eyes glinting in the sunlight, his hair tousled from his exertions and a faint, triumphant smile playing on his lips ......ah, memories. So aspire, dear, aspire!

Yours nostalgically

Lady Sarz Asquith-Agrinn


Dear Aunty Sarz,

I have been hearing a great deal recently about Celtic Feng Shui which, I gather is absolutely essential for a spiritually enhanced life. Unfortunately, I know very little about it. Can you give me some enlightenment?

Cerridwen Chan

Dear Curry Chin,

This is a relatively modern concept and so, I am not altogether au fait with the details but having done a modicum of scrying, meditation and consultation of the Spirits and Daemons on the subject, it would appear to entail the maximizing of Chi by the appropriate and propitious placing of the preserved heads of one's enemies about the room.

Yours from a higher plane

Aunty Sha


Dear Aunty Sazz,

I was deflowering a virgin last week when I overexerted myself and pulled a muscle in my lower back. I had to stop and the young lady in question was understandably dissappointed. As it happens she berated me quite vigourously suggesting I was "half the Warlock of her last deflowerer". It was then that the alarm bells started ringing. "Hang on a minute love", I grimaced, still in considerable pain and clutching my back, "What do you mean your last deflowerer?" It soon transpired that this girl was something of a satanic ritual groupie and had been "deflowered", and I quote, "more than 20 times but definitely less than 30." She added the last bit as if that was supposed to reassure me. As you can imagine I was aghast at this revelation and soon began to question my ex-deflowerings. I rang a few of them up and sure enough a common and disturbing theme began to emerge: none of them had been bona fide virgins! In fact a woman I deflowered about 6 months ago, who had assured me her 4 year old child had been the product of immaculate conception, was currently involved in a custody battle with one of my best mates! I now feel humiliated that I was the last to know. Not to mention the loss of dark power accumulated through 19 so- called deflowerings. I've tried hanging about Catholic girls schools but friends have suggested this is taking naivete to a new level. And besides there have been a few threats of legal action. Do good old-fashioned satanic values mean nothing nowadays?

Name and Dream Address with-held

Dear Mr. Louis Christoff Furr of Mire Cottage, Little Muckington, Pants., YA66 6OZ

Sadly, this is a common problem these days. When I was a gel, young ladies saved themselves until called upon by their high priest - or the local squire - to do their duty. Now, unfortunately with declining spiritual values and modern, new world methods, they can become born-again virgins again and again. Thus degrading any possible benefit that you might accrue. As a woman on the Triple Goddess roundabout approaching the third exit, I am appalled at the lack of realisation that these young women have of the damage they are doing to obviously nice young men like yourself and also how little they appreciate the sacrifices you make of them - er for them. I can only suggest that you advertise but state quite explicitly that you will want to see medical certification. If you would like to contact me again privately, I may have one or two more suggestions.

Yours sympathetically

Aunty Sazz


Dear Auntie Sazz,

I'm going to a handfasting in Scotland at Winter Solstice and I haven't a thing to wear. What shall I do?

Love

Eustace J. Pegg

 

Dear Eustace,

Yes. Perfect.

Love

Auntie Sazz


Dear Auntie Sazz,

My wand is very small. What shall I do?

Regards

William Breeze

 

Dear William,

Stop going to handfastings in Scotland in the Winter.

All the best

Auntie Sazz


Dear Aunty Sazz: I'm a Gemini with Mercury in Capricorn and I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Help

Skitzov Rennick

Dear Ms. Rennick,

As with the non-euclidean lines shown by the refraction of the stone of the wise through the pentagramatic faces of the trans-platonic current inherant in the concept of the Aeon of Zayin( The Mercurial Twin Forces), the redistribution across the Abyss via the 28th path of the trigrammatic inception of the word of the future Aeon of the space between the letters shown as a single glint of light in the forthcoming Aeon of the Goat(Capricorn) is in evidence.

Hope this helps.

Aunty Sazz.


Dear Auntie Sazz:

Presumably the Aeon of the Goat would be the Aeon of Ayin. Thus, the impetus should be from the Aeon of Zayin to the Aeon of Ayin, contra-wise to the normal flow of things which would be from Ayin to Zayin. That, you never want to do, as you could have your eye out with that sword.

Love Skitzov Rennick

Dear Sir Skitzov,

You are quite correct. Also one must take care not to continually repeat this backwards or you will sink in up to your navel (see Gerschom Scholem for details)

Regards

Auntie Sazz


Dear Aunti Sazz,

My lifetime's research into the more arcane and esoteric aspects of the Occult World has recently lead me to the darker side and particularly to the study of the mystical significance of flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality. Am I flogging a dead horse?

Yours, sadly

D. Sturbed (Mr.)

 

Mr. Sternbed,

Whilst I am in favour of research and study - in fact as I keep saying to the neophytes, "Read dears, read!"- I do feel that you may have wandered from The Path a little or should I say galloped?

 

 

Dear Auntie Saz:

I am the High Priest of a seventh generation Hereditary coven. My High
Priestess wife and I are having a very heated Magickal debate that we're
hoping you can help settle. My High Priestess insists that the bog roll be
inserted in the "under" fashion, so that the roll spins Widdershins after
the processes of sacred elimination (to banish any negative smells or
lingering spirits). I feel that it should be inserted in the "over"
position, to propagate the positive energies of loving digestion and the
cycle of life.

Which is it? It's "over", right?

Oswald C. Stock Esq.


Dear Overseeing Storks Enquire,

Ah, now this is a very serious question. I, myself, have been engaged in this debate
many times throughout my long career and have had to dismiss many of my High
Priests, despite their obvious talents and enthusiasm for the work, over just this topic.
However, I have now arrived at a Solomonic conclusion. Take the toilet roll and cut it
in half. Rotate one half one hundred and eighty degrees across the horizontal. Glue it
back together using a specially consecrated superglue and saltpeter concoction and
place the toilet roll holder in the quarter relating to the rising of the fifth moon after
the Winter Solstice in Oolan Batang as it was in 10500 B.C.E. In doing so you will
realise that neither of you can actually use said object but...........one moment. As you
say you are from a hereditary coven then do what you are told by your H.P.S. What do
you think this is, revolution?

Yours in disbelief at the uppitiness of the Left Wing
Aunt Sarz


Deer Anty Sars,

"See yur Magic Cloaks? Dae thay tell the right time?"
 
A. Weedjie, Bored
.

Young man; I think that you need to direct this enquiry to the department that deals with the base, commercial side of things with which I do not trouble myself.

A.S.


Dearest Auntie Sarz

Do you think a Four Season's Pizza would make a good offering to the Guardian Spirits of the Quarters? If so, could you recommend a reliable pizza parlour that would deliver said pizza to the circle of one's choice, at the appropriate moment, before it gets cold?

Yours in Knead of Advice

Steven Wenceslas (Deep Pan, Crisp & Even)

 

Dear Pilsbury,

What a truly excellent idea, providing you make sure to divide it equally - favouritism is frowned upon. I would, however, recommend that you make the Pizza yourself rather than give your custom to those establishments whose offerings resemble something that has just been used to scour a porridge pot, has the consistency of a sun-dried cowpat and whose only realistic use is to fill those interesting cracks in the patio paving.

Yours as ever

Aunt S


Dear Arunty Sarz,

As I live in a country whose usual night sky is cloud coloured and I have nae mates to inform me of when exactly the full moon is, I usually find that I keep missing it by anything up to three and a half days. This, as you can understand, can make my Esbats more than just a little erratic, not to mention, it really naffs off the Lord and Lady ( have you ever tried standing up Diana?) Can you help?

Yours hopefully

Friday Afternoon Esq.

Dear Mr. Tuesday Morning,

Oh my ears and whiskers! May I suggest the little-known rite of Time-Folding to be found in my latest book ' Not Now Dearie, I've Got A Herbalist.' price £24.50 or ten to one in the morning. With this you can go back to the correct time for the ritual and as an added bonus perform some Magickal Origami and make a very nice nodding penguin out of the seventeenth century.

zzaS ytnuA ,spleh siht epoH


dear auntie

although i've only been actively in the craft for the past 3 years or so, i keep finding myself in the position of having new people, finding wicca for the first time, asking me for advice. I've known too many folk in the local community who are barking and have really messed folk up in the past through pretending to be more experienced and talented than they really are. how can i still help these newbies out without turning into a local super-ego? i don't know all about babylonian tablets and temporal time-folding or floating pencils, i only know what i've read and experienced and when something feels right. please advise. anxious anti-hero

Dear AA-H

Your position is understandable. Being constantly sought for the benefit of one's wisdom can over-inflate the ego to undesirable proportions. However, you are already doing the right thing by appealing to a higher authority. If you wish to continue giving advice, whilst at the same time holding your ego in check, continue as you are doing now and seek the impeccably erudite and wise counsel of the experienced Auntie Sazz who, as everyone knows, suffers no such ego problems.

Your humble benefactress

etc. etc.


Oh Aunty Sazz, Eye need ewer help baldy eye am bothe a which and a teacher and eye kan't spell, add two taht eye am feert of hites, eye kan't ewes my broom stick, O and what a panic is in my breastie whenever eye happen up on a black cat.

ewers in desparationess Lammia

Dear Lammia,

I do not think that you have any problem at all with your spelling. You are clearly communicating in Old Scots unless, of course, you come from Wales ( lots of ewes, I notice.). At most you are probably chronologically challenged and that has never been much of a problem for a witch. As to your altitudinal troubles perhaps being earth-bound is not too much of a difficulty as Gnomes need friends too. Although you may want to try some P.L.R. to make sure that you were not Lucifer in a previous. Finally - black cats - who needs them - totally over-rated. In my opinion there are not enough witches with Rottweiler familiars.

Ewers

Arnti Zars


Dear Auntie Sazz,

Is there anything I can do about the worsening state of public transport? I am constantly waiting for the No.13 Besom to arrive. I am always late for Sabbats and now my coven has given me my first written warning. One more and I am the next sacrifice.

Yours patiently

Maude Moonbeam

 

Dear Mabel Middlewallop,

I think that it is time that you came into the 21st century and considered upgrading your transport server to the Dyson Co. Much faster and more reliable. Or you could consider taking flying lessons and perhaps purchasing your own little runabout (available at The Wyrd Shop - 8.99). You'll soon get the hang of parallel brooming, left-hand reverse sweeps and up-hill brushes. Who knows - one day you could even make the formation team.

Brrrm Brrrm

Sarrrrrrrz


Dear Aunty Sarz

I have a problem, I don't know if you're getting this through email or telepathically&

My monitor has just stopped working so I'm typing to a blank screen.

I think it could be evil doings; my screen has gone black, if it was a white witch doing this then
surely the screen should have gone white.

I wonder if I've spelt this lot correctly&I'm so worried, maybe I've spelt something wrong.

Can you fix the screen so I can read your reply?

Email and telepathy transmission finished.

Stone Toad Arthur

 

Dear Stoned Toad,

 

 

 

 

 

Regards

Aunti Sarz

Dear Aunty Sarz,

Gidday! I am a witch from down-under and my coven has some problems with this wicca stuff.

1. When we do the mid-summer ritual in June it is damn cold here! We
tried doing yule instead in June but all the neighbours think we are
nuts when we go to their doors and try to sing paganised christmas
carols to them. We still have one member in hospital from this year's
attempt.

2. When we tried to thank Diana for a bounteous season at Mabon (around
Sept 21) SHE GOT THE SHITS and told us all to bugger off and thought we were being all sarcastic! And you should hear her carry on in December
when we call her up! Says she's on hols and doesn't wanna be disturbed n stuff asking us if we've never heard of the dark half of the year, and
wanting to know when she is supposed to get a break...

3. We don't have Oak trees.

4. There is no snow.

5. Calling fire in the south seems stupid because the next landmass
south of Australia is the South Pole.

6. All the stuff keeps falling off the altars and flying into space....

Also, I have a cousin in Cairns who is confused coz the sun is at its highest in the sky twice a year....on its way down to the Tropic of Capricorn and once on its way back. Which one is the real Summer Solstice? What do they do with the other one?

Pleez help us mate!

Gettadeaddogupya,
Wallaby Edward
(Roo....Ted)

Dear Colonial Cousin,

Despite the fact that I cannot recall ever taking an Antipodean as a mate nor indulging in the strange practice to which you refer in your parting admonition, my memory is not what it was and I shall, therefore, assume an aquaintance with you. My advice is as follows:-

1. Do what all Scottish Practitioners do for their Summer Rituals - wear long woollen underwear, two sweaters and a pair of thick socks.

2. Well, what do you expect, dear? Just because you have chosen to live in some desolate sandbox beyond the limits of the World Serpent, one can hardly expect a civilised Deity like Diana to go trotting after you. Especially as a couple of Gum trees and a dried up river bed scarcely has the charm of a Pine grove and a bubbling spring in the mountains of Arcady. My advice to you would be to stop bothering decent Gods with all this nonsense of spherical planet and a heliocentric cosmology and find some unemployed local Godling with nothing better to do than continually answer his Primum Mobile.

3.Neither do we, anymore. I suggest a Bonsai from you local Garden Centre.

4. I shall be sending you snow parcels on a regular basis.

5. Given the recent collapse of the Ross Ice Shelf, please stop calling fire in the South. Find some other direction - there are plenty to choose from.

6. I suggest a large hairnet.

7. If your Sun cannot make up its mind where it wants to be and insists on bobbing up and down on the horizon, perhaps your relation should think of moving Northwards to somewhere with a less indecisive Sun.

Trusting that the prison food has improved, I remain

etc. etc.

Aunt Sarz.


Dear Auntie Sazz,
I only recently got into the craft (having been into tree-borne crystal dolphin pendulum healing for a while) and get great satisfaction (ego free of course) from knowing that my white witchcraft is contributing to the amount of love in this topsy-turvy world. The only other fellow practitioner around here has been helping me out a lot with some great advice. (Really nice guy, seen him around for years with his crimped hair and Fields of the Nephilim T-shirt, everyone says he's into black magic and, like, REALLY EVIL but I'm sure that's not true.) Trouble is, I'm having my doubts about his recipe for flying ointment. Are you sure it's meant to have hemlock and alum powder in it? Plus, none of my books say anything about using it as a suppository, though my friend insists that no proper witch would ever just, like, rub it on. Please help, my skin's turning really yellow and I keep passing out in the middle of rituals.


Yours piteously,
Agnes Equinox from Caldercruix
.

 

Dear Agatha,

Your friend's recipe seems perfectly acceptable to me although, of course, the Alum powder is optional; its only use being for the drawing in of the cheeks into a suitably Gothic, emaciated visage. I think that you may have misunderstood the suppositorial aspect, however, as this ointment should be rubbed onto the handle of the broomstick.

Yours despairingly

Auntie Sazz


Sir,

I am writing to you in the hope that you can help me with a bit of a conundrum what I have. My name is Commander Sergeant Major Friggis McColdass (Rtd.) I have been stationed in this barrack for manies a long year with nothing for company save a Polar Bear named Maurice and a copy of Doreen Valiente's 'Witchcraft For Tomorrow.' What my problem is being is this, I am very willing. I would also like to try this Wicca. Here is the conundrum what I am having. Any way I face is South. One wrong wiggle of my wand and the whole of the Polar Icecap will melt. Maurice is also very concerned about this also, as well. What do I do?

Yours Frigidly

CSM FJK McColdass, R.A.F. BFPO 1753, Uppley, North Pole.

Dear Maurice,

Please advise your friend not to. STOP Flying out tomorrow STOP I have informed the authorities STOP Pro Temp advice is STOP STOP

Your sincerely

Major J.F.C. Fuller's Auntie Sarz


Dear Aunty Sazz,

I have been a witch (of the white variety) since I was 2 3/4 years old and cast my first spell while still in the womb. I have great power within me which I have harnessed only for good. I would like your advice on a matter which is causing me great concern. I was browsing my local occult book store (I don't usually bother as I know how to use the great power that is within me) only to discover, to my horror, that a number of the books just weren't Wicca. All these young minds exposed to bad evil nasty darkness and not a redeeming dolphin in sight! I have launched my one-witch non-violent protest (with placard) but to no avail. What am I to do to save the youth of today from this black witchery?

Troubled in Torquay

Dear Tituba,

I sympathise with your problem as I, myself, have just written a book on this very subject entitled “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Wicca”. This takes you through the Nu-Wicca ritual year.(Well, six months actually, it’s far too dark and scary between Samhain, which is not a very nice thingy anyway, and Imbolc, which, being the worship of the little bouncy lambs of the Fluffy Goddess, is more than acceptable.) Of course Beltaine is not included in the Nu-Wicca Rituals on account of its advocation of pre-marital rudeness.

Its chapters include lessons on the promulgation of the Church of the Nu-Wiccan, such as “Why Curses Are Naughty - And Why Slander And Insinuation Work Better.”; “Dogma - Why Should The X-Tians Have The Last Word?”; “Why Anything That Isn’t White, Isn’t Right.”; “Magick - An Outmoded Superstition In Modern Day Wicca.”; “Why Charging An Arm And A Leg For Unwanted Tarot Readings Isn’t Wrong.”; “Why Anything That Is Secret Must Be Perceived To Be Wrong.” and “Why Adopting Unearned, Unwarranted And Unnecessary Titles Such As ‘King Of Twenty-Seven International Covens’ Is Important For Maintaining One’s Ego.”;

I shall be following this shortly with a sequel, “Wicca Light - Wicca with all those nasty Carbo-hydras taken out.”

So, my dear T.I.T., I feel that the best way for you to save the impressionable young people, who may fall into the hands of real witches.....ooops! I mean evil, black witches, is to buy at least thirty copies of my book and distribute them door-to-door with the words, “Hi, sorry to bother you but could you spare a moment for ........” and fill in a list of at least nine Goddess names that you can remember. After all, aren’t all the Goddesses just the same? Copies of my book can be purchased from all the familiar outlets for this type of thing, priced 103 along with my previous titles, “ Dolphin Bothering For Beginners.” and “Crystals For Every Orifice.”

Yours luminescently Sapphire McGlumphie (Ms.) Per Pro Auntie Sarz (who is having a little lie down in a darkened room at the moment.)


Dear Aunty Sazz,

After a particularly vigorous invocation of Maob, I find that I have a nasty grease mark on my altar cloth. I have tried rubbing and rubbing but it won't come off. Can you help?

Your Obedient Servant

Willy Kant.

Dear Mr. Shouldnt,

I have found that a nice mixture of bat's blood and pineapple juice sorts out most stains. Admittedly it tends to annoy the bats and does nothing for human /pineapple relationships but we all have to make little sacrifices. May I also suggest that instead of expending so much energy and elbow grease, you should, perhaps, stop listening to so many Sting albums in future.

Yours frenetically

Aunty Sazz

 

 

 

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